Main course: Culture Shock with a side of personal challenges

You'll notice I haven't been posting on schedule. Quite frankly, I just couldn't. I couldn't find the words or the energy. I want this blog to focus rather on the positive awesomeness of this experience and not fall into the habit of a long series of rants and whines. But I'll level with you, so if you don't want to read the serious stuff, skip this post now.

While the past few months have been filled with lots of very cool things, there have been also lots of very not-so-cool things that drove me to the point of exhaustion and led to the critical flaw:

I lost my sense of humour in this.

There were the bigger things...

• The frequent goose eggs that come with two little boys - one who was learning to walk - and an absence of softer surfaces. (Seriously, I've lost count.)
• The trying to make sure every restaurant and food provider is actually providing safe food and not just saying it's safe because they don't understand allergies.
• The mysterious incident where my baby ate something that should have been safe and developed rapid waves of hives only to run to the doctor - at cost - and be told "It can't be an allergy. His throat's not red. Those aren't hives. Maybe he's starting chicken pox." (The hives were gone by the next day. It wasn't chicken pox.)
• The calling an ambulance because my older boy suddenly started a seal-bark/whooping type cough that wouldn't quit in the middle of the night and there were no taxis available.
• The seeing this same, vibrant, social, amazing older boy get sadder and sadder and lonelier and lonelier because he doesn't speak the language and I can't find a playground and it's too hot and sunny to play outside anyway and there's no air-conditioned mall I can go stroll in for a couple hours and the only places that are safe and child-friendly cost money and take an erratically scheduled bus ride that I am just too exhausted to navigate. (And those places all sell peanut candy, too!)

Those things wore me down to the point that the medium things stopped being bearable...

• The being too tired to play with my boys because I've used up all my energy to just make sure meals are sorted and there's some basic food in the house so that we don't bankrupt ourselves on restaurant meals.
• The hornet nest in the roof above the unscreened windows that prevented us airing out the apartment. (Which has since been removed.)
• The beautiful, flowery ornamental shrubs EVERYWHERE that are in fact poisonous oleander had me terrified every time my big boy picked up a stick to play as little boys should be able to do.
• The misunderstanding with the paperwork which means I *still* haven't sorted out my "titre de sejour" and my visa runs out in roughly 3 weeks. (Update: Between drafting and posting this has since been sorted out. There was yet another misunderstanding in the process and we were each waiting for the other to make contact. Yeesh.)
• The we-forgot-to-get-travel-insurance and don't understand how ANY of this works so nobody better get sick/hurt/food-poisoned/allergic.

...and the little things just stopped being funny.

• Constantly dodging dog crap to the point I couldn't even look around me because I had to focus on the sidewalk.
• Not knowing if a place would have a toilet AND if that toilet would have a seat or just the cold porcelain bowl with what one would hope is condensation.
• Hardly ever being able to find somewhere to change a diaper.
• Going to the store and starting from zero. Not knowing any brands - and more importantly, needing to focus enough to check Every. Single. Label. for allergens with bored, sad little voices whining or screaming in my ear.
• Seemingly not being able to leave the house without making some stupid little intangible mistake somewhere along the way that sets me apart as a foreigner. An outsider.
• Stupid rules about taking photos getting in the way of photos I want!

Even getting compliments on my "beautiful foreign/Canadian accent" got grating because I didn't care about sounding nice. I just wanted to understand and be understood the first time I heard or said something.

At one point, I was sitting in a restaurant having a coffee to stay awake and letting my big boy have soda and sharing a pizza even though I had already eaten and wasn't hungry but didn't know where else I could go because I just needed to sit and the baby had fallen asleep in the stroller so I couldn't go home without waking him (stairs) and hell if I was doing that.
And I had a sudden vivid memory of a family vacation about ten years ago when I was splashing in the ocean and turned toward shore to say something and a stray wave washed over my head and knocked me under. And another. And another. And I remembered that feeling of I-just-need-to-keep-going-or-I'll-be-in-big-trouble-soon. I-just-need-to-take-one-breath. I-just-need-to-keep-moving. Just-one-solid-breath. Just-don't-stop-moving.
It's something I hadn't thought about in ages, but it came back out of nowhere and hit me full force because in that moment I felt the exact same way.

I felt like I was about to drown.

And I needed to cry but I was so tired that I couldn't even do that.

And when a person gets that run down, the brain can start playing dirty tricks and running a *very* unhealthy narrative. Saying that some people are strong enough to do this and you're just not one of them. Some people are smart enough to adapt to a new situation and you're not. You were a fool to think you could do this. You're weak. You're dumb. You can't cut it. Go home. Give up. Learn your place and your limits. You. Are. Not. Good. Enough.

And then it gets really cruel.

This is when we have to remember that the brain isn't always rational or even smart. It can be downright stupid, frankly.

This is when you admit that you need to be more gentle with yourself and build supports around you.

Easier said than done.

That's what I'm in the process of doing now - or trying to - and I think I'm starting to come out the other side. To continue the drowning metaphor, the waves are still washing over regularly, but not as constantly and they're not typically as high.

So I'll post when I can - even if it's just interesting links or pictures of yet more windows and old alleyways I found pretty - because this place is fantastic and having a picture postcard for a view doesn't get old and the food is delicious and the potential experiences here are amazing if I can just set them up.

Ooh. Pretty windows.

And I can do this.

... I hope.